Apple Inc, $3.47/share.

 "Between getting wasted and sex you might want to work on planning a future. You're leaving yourself with no choice but the military. That choice will leave you physically and mentally fucked! So put on your pants, clear your head and get the fuck to it!"

 Women aren't worth the trouble, also, Mark Zuckerburg was born in my hometown..so...be best friends with that kid...

 When he first attempts to kiss you, Go with it. Don't deny it. You can't get back those 4 years.

 You're still that awesome when you're older.

 Don't reject trying new things because they are popular.

 The Powerball numbers for 4/1/2000 are 3,4,13,29,38 PB 21 No idea what the jackpot was, but its more $ then I had. Oh, And ditch the bitch.

 You won't be funny looking forever. You're going to start going to the gym, putting on muscle, you'll lose the belly and the chubby cheeks. Contact lenses will open up your face. Girls are going to start to notice you. Don't worry, you're not going to be a virgin forever.